I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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