I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
