she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Randomize
