I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
