take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
