oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
