I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
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