My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
