I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
