if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
