the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
