I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Randomize
