I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
