did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I just found puke in my bra..
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
