I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
