Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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