my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I had to cum in my sink.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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