Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
