You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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