this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I just had sex on a roof
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
