After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
