Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Randomize
