Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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