Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Randomize
