Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
