I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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