hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
