It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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