Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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