today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
