This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
