I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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