four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Of course I have a pirate flag
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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