I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
