Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize