I heard we made out
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize