So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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