it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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