I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
