if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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