Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
