Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
you didnt know i had herpes?
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
