shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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