i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Randomize
