So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
