you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
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