i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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