I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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