Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
What drink are we having for lunch?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
