it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm both gender and math confused
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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