I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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