I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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