Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Houston, we have a blender
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
