i love accidental penises.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
