The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
