I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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