Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
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