Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
