dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
