Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
