You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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