"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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